People say I’m intelligent; I am. The chronic fatigue fuzzes my brain and makes it hard to concentrate. The autism makes it difficult to get what is in my brain out either spoken or written (except technical stuff). I forget many things (I once spent an entire year unable to remember how old I was).
You’ll say that it must be frustrating.
Technically, I have been very good at every sport I have put my hand to (football, tennis, badminton, squash, distance running, etc.) and have enjoyed them. But, I am exhausted and can’t do any of them anymore.
As the years have passed I’ve become more tired. There is no hope of me doing sports again.
You’ll say that it must be frustrating.
I often can’t tell when someone is teasing me or putting me down. I never know whether a woman is flirting with me or just being nice. I struggle with basic conversational small talk. During conversations I’ll suddenly get tired and my brain will shut down and I’ll struggle to say anything. Selective Mutism means that in certain situations or with certain people I cannot talk at all. I can’t maintain friendships.
You’ll say that it must be frustrating.
In some way, I am in pain every day. My legs burn with fatigue. Cold weather makes the joints in my hands stiff and painful. Pinched muscles in both shoulders. Inflamed right bicep. Tendon pain in left knee. Lower back pain. Severe headaches; 2-3 each week which can each last up to 3 days. Painkillers don’t seem to work and I always forget to do exercises that physios have given me.
You’ll say that it must be frustrating.
Drs messing about with my medication resulting in various horrible side effects:
Akathisia
Excess sweating
Loss of libido
Brain zaps
No endorphins (runners high)
Waves of fuzzy electricity flowing over my head and shoulders every time I move my head or eyes
Murderous ideation (19 years ago)
Muscle spasms/twitches
Etc…
You’ll say that it must be frustrating.
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People say I’m an eloquent writer. I find writing this kind of stuff very difficult. It’s taken months to get these words out of my head and onto paper.
You’ll say that it must be frustrating.
“Frustrating” isn’t strong enough of a word for what it is.
I’ve had enough; I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ve tried to get help, but, Drs have no solutions. I will always be tired (CFS/ME since 1985). My brain will never work properly (autism). I have no control over anxiety/stress. I am always going to be a target for people to take advantage/bully me.
Mum & dad, I love you. I am very sorry for the pain that I have/am putting you through. I wish it hadn’t come to this.
Kate & Kelly; I am proud of what you both have achieved doing what you both love. You are both awesome sisters!
John, Marianne, Izzie & Ben. I love you guys so much.
Mark, Nick, Stu; Growing up with you was great. I’m glad you guys are doing well in life.
The Hibbitts. I know we haven’t talked much in recent years, but, I have good memories of working/drinking/wedding’ing with you. Sing Danny Boy for me.
John, Ashleigh & Vicky; I have really enjoyed working and hanging out with you over the years. You’ve been a good influence on my life. Special thanks to Vicky for all of the FB messages you’ve sent; they kept me going. Keep watching crappy movies!
This is not a rash decision, but is something I have thought about for many years. Given my health problems (CFS/ME, Autism, IBS, excess acid, eczema, various pain) I can’t imagine a good/happy/healthy future. I will always be hurting.
I wish I could write more, but, I don’t know how to.
Goodbye everyone.
If there’s an afterlife, I hope it’s full of cats.